But. . .

For the last twenty something years I've taught mostly impoverished children in a large urban school district. Initially, the attitude seemed to be "Just do the best you can." With the advent of standardized testing, the attitude changed to one of "Forget the curriculum and just make sure the students can pass the test." The last two years have seen the emergence of a new attitude: "Student background and current circumstances are irrelevant, all students can learn the same curriculum at the same rate."

The idea is noble and I like it for that reason, but it excuses too much to be practical. Consider two children growing up in radically different circumstances. One is growing up in a well maintained neighborhood, in a sound house where the utilities are always on, with clean clothing, never worrying about food, sleeping in his/her own bed in his/her own room. Trips to museums, book stores or libraries and cultural events are frequent. The television isn't always on and someone is usually around to help with homework, projects and other school related activities. The other moves frequently from place to place in run-down neighborhoods where multiple cousins share rooms and beds, where there isn't always hot water or air conditioning, where the television is constantly on to provide an escape from the now. There are no trips to museums unless it's part of a school field trip. The neighborhood doesn't even have the kind of book stores into which you can take a minor. Libraries have outreach programs to bring children in, but mostly they come for the face-painting and other activities and the books are just part of the larger setting. Kid one has had access to a variety of printed material since birth. Kid two hasn't. Kid one has had someone to screen the television and movies watched; kid two has had to learn to do this for him/herself. Kid one gets time-out; kid two gets pops. . . I could go on, but you get the picture. Now, I know that nothing is ever this cut-and-dried. But, still, it begs the question: How could these two kids be expected to perform identically in an academic setting? What we're told is, "We don't want to hear any excuses. If students don't achieve then it's your fault. Period."

I know from my own experience that my understanding of new information depends upon how well it resonates with what I already know. If I'm learning something new, say physics, then I have to work a lot harder to build a mental scaffold upon which to hang the new ideas. When students come to school with a smaller variety of experiences, fewer exposures to the world outside of their immediate surroundings and less practice with language -- especially written language -- then they have to work a lot harder to achieve at the same rate as other students. Just for fun, complicate the situation by adding the additional burden of learning a new language. Many students come in and are not only expected to learn new subjects, but to learn them in a new language. . . but, no excuses.

I'm not sure where I want to go with this. Again, I like the idea that all students are expected to learn equally, but I'm frustrated about the failure to recognize that the playing field isn't level. I'm frustrated that society has excused itself from any responsibility for the vast discrepancy in the way different Americans live. I like the idea that society has deemed that none of this matters once the child has crossed the threshold into the classroom, but I'm frustrated that there is nothing in place to help bridge the gap between what some kids bring to school and what others do not.

Angles of View

A musician with whom my wife has played for over thirty years is stressed. She told my wife that she couldn't even get out of bed for three days after the election.

. . . wanted to know how we could have voted for someone who was a "gangster" and a "known terrorist." Were we not aware that he (can't even say his name) isn't even a citizen?

The source of this individual's information: all those vitriolic radio lights who make a living sewing hatred and confusion as the truth.

We have come a long way, but as long as hatred still has corporate sponsors and public airwaves to spread toxic thoughts, we haven't come far enough.

Hurricane Ike

Hurricane stories. . .

I woke up at 1:13 am Friday morning to the frustrated cry of (*&%!@#*. That's when the power went out effectively shutting down the X-box.

It's hard enough to sleep through a storm when the wife keeps asking, "What was that?" (It's a hurricane dear. . . It's a squirrel skidding across the roof. . . It's the neighbor's hurricane fortification empties plinking against the house one at a time) It's even harder when the cell phone towers don't fall and the kids keep texting to let you know they are still alive. Yeah, I love you too, now go to sleep.

Kid one stayed at the UH dorms during the storm. He didn't lose power, internet, cafeteria service. . . Kid two, the one who came home, realized that while we had food, we had no power (no x-box, no AC, no internet. . .) See ya. . . gotta go "study."

After the storm, my wife and I were riding bikes through the neighborhood to see the damage. There's an old woman leaning on her walker in her driveway talking to a neighbor and looking at all the debris on her lawn. We stop and volunteer to come by the following morning to clean it for her. The next morning there are bags out and all the branches and leaves have been raked into small piles; apparently her neighbors felt a little guilt and gave us a head start.

We also ran into two women who are cleaning the yard of the house directly behind ours. The house belonged to their grandmother who died months earlier. These two women flew in from Seattle on Thursday to clean the house and get it ready. They had no idea that a hurricane was coming so you can imagine their shock Friday when the winds picked up. They seemed a little shell shocked so we offered them food.

Everything can be cooked on a two burner Coleman stove.

A family from the church sent out an email to the whole congregation asking for help with their fence. Hurricane Ike took out their 18 foot privacy fence and there was this terrifying image of people being able to look right into the house. I bowed out when I discovered that the fence was 18 feet high and not 18 feet long. Wouldn't it be easier to tape foil over the windows?

I'm thinking I could make a fortune conducting a workshop called "How to Work the Four-way Stop."

As I'm leaving the grocery store a mother and daughter are walking in. Sitting on the sidewalk, next to the electrical outlets are a couple of old men with their cell phones plugged in. Little girl says, "MY GOD MOM, ARE PEOPLE THAT DESPERATE TO MAKE CELL PHONE CALLS?" I'd have been disciplined on the spot and made to apologize.

About five days after the storm I decide that I really should do something about that fence along the driveway and head to Lowes. I load 100 pine planks and a dozen 2x4's on one of those carts (plus a new saw because each project requires a new tool -- it's a law). I'm sweating. I push the cart to the curb and load everything into a CR-V. Now I'm soaked. As I'm unloading the lumber my neighbor walks up the driveway with his drill and saw. He's tired of just sitting around and wants to know if he can help. We're nearly finished -- okay, finished isn't exactly the right word -- when I realize that I'm about 30 planks short of a fence. Wife volunteers to go pick up the wood. She's back in 15 minutes and doesn't look tired at all. The nice men at the store (the same ones who watched me) loaded the wood onto the cart and then into the CR-V for her. Next time, I'm sending her to get all the wood.

Note added November 27, 2008 -- The doorbell rang around 9:00 pm. Irene, who is in her 90's and whose yard we cleaned after the hurricane, was there with a poinsettia, a thank you gift.

The Eternal Now

Some I know live their lives in the past and everything is an attempt to return to some golden age of innocence and perfection when all was right with the world.

Others I know seem to live for the future in some attempt to reach a distant moment of perfection when all will be beautiful.

In both cases, now is just a means to reach an ideal time when the day-to-day struggles of life will fade into blissful peace. I'm reminded of a poem by Robert Frost:

Neither Out Far Nor in Deep

The people along the sand

All turn and look one way

They turn their back on the land.

They look at the sea all day.

As long as it takes to pass

A ship keeps raising its hull;

The wetter ground like glass

Reflects a standing gull.

The land may vary more;

But wherever the truth may be --

The water comes ashore,

And the people look at the sea.

They cannot look out far.

They cannot look in deep.

But when was that ever a bar

To any watch they keep?

Time is present in this poem in terms of the land which represents the past and the ship at sea which represents the dreams and hopes of the future. The land, like history is solid and complete; the fluid sea is potential. The present is represented by the beach where past and present meet -- this is the truth, the time to live . . . the eternal now

Movement

The first time I saw this, I assumed that the rangers at Whitesands had been at work with tractors, flattening out the areas between the dunes. A ranger explained that this is what is left behind when the dunes move. Eventually, the ridges will smooth out and the area between dunes will appear flat.

Wind is the agent of change at Whitesands and the dunes are constantly in motion. A couple of ideas interest me in that -- first, I like the idea that there is imperceptible movement going on all the time and that while the immediate effect isn't noticeable, the cumulative effect is. You know the effect -- you haven't seen little cousin Boo in ages and when he walks in there's a sudden discordance between your mental image and this guy standing in front of you. Had you been watching daily, there would have been no need to comment. The second idea I like is that nothing can change without leaving some evidence of change behind.

Yes, No, Maybe

For twenty-two years I taught; I manage technology now. After "No Child Left Behind" the children began to disappear and teaching became increasingly less fun. Think of all the ideas about humanity and the curious things that humans do that can be explored through literature. Gone. Vanished. Replaced by the era of standardized testing. The tests, we were assured, measured mastery of the curriculum and slowly but unalterably became the curriculum.

Students became data. I spent one year with a principal who insisted we submit annotated class rosters every few weeks. Students were labeled yes, no, maybe based on our judgment of whether or not they would pass the state test. Students labeled no and maybe required additional information about what we were doing to insure that they came up to speed by the testing date. Students who were excellent human beings, but unable to pass exit tests in English, math, science and social studies were denied diplomas. The question became not, "What can you do well, " but "What can you not do?" Perfectly good humans were cast out of the system because they could write an excellent essay but couldn't factor.

Now, place a new layer called "value-added" on top of this system of measure. Value-added is the idea that each student must grow one year's worth each year. If a ninth grade student comes into class with a score of 9.0 and leaves with a score of 10.0, then that student has grown one grade level during one year of education. Label that student yellow. If the student grows less, place a red label and if more, a green label. All students labeled green are judged to have had a value-added experience because each one has grown more than one educational year during the educational year. Next, start devaluing all teachers who have yellow or (shudder) red students. Take this idea and extend it backward to Kindergarten (Yes, standardized tests in Kindergarten) Kindergarten teacher brings students 1.1 years. First grade teacher must take 1.1 and make at least 2.1 or better. . . say 2.2. Second grows the children to 3.3. Third to 4.4. Fourth to 5.5. Fifth to 6.6, sixth to 7.7, seventh to 8.8, eighth to 9.9, ninth to 10.10. Because the school year is 10 months long, 10.10 is really 11 (math you know). In the end, the expectation is that if a student enters a fifth grade class with ninth grade skills, he or she will exit with 10th grade skills and that the average high school graduate will walk across the stage with college level skills.

My question is where did the students go? In my classes all the students were reduced to red, yellow, green yes, no, maybe. It's as if they had become pieces in some engineering puzzle, each one built to exact specification and designed to function identically. I even had one principal who announced to proud parents at graduation, "You sent them to us as works in progress and we return them to you now as finished products."

The individuals are gone both from teaching and among the students. Education has become a factory built upon the best business models and in the colleges the professors are complaining that students are coming to them without thinking skills, without ideas and opinions, wanting only to know what they need to do to pass the test. The question no longer is whether one agrees or disagrees with the main idea, but only can the main idea be identified along with its supporting details. The issue of whether the supporting details actually support is moot. Can you spot them? Now, that's important.

Imagine a world where there are all these colors and the only requirement is to know red from blue, but not to think of passion, heat or danger when confronted with red or cool, weary, down-in-the-dumps malaise when blue.

Look at all those footprints -- imagine that all first graders have size one feet, all second graders, size two. . . Heaven forbid that some children should grow faster and others slower than some predetermined rate. And, imagine all those poor souls out there who are abandoned by our educational system because they cannot fit into some predetermined set of boxes. Abandoned because they are late bloomers or abandoned because it takes them a little longer than average to wrap their minds around some concept or other.

Look at all those students around you. Who cares whether they are kind or what their favorite activity is or what they secretly want to do when they grow up. . . None of that is important. Are they red, yellow, green? Yes, no, maybe?

Hand II

Still thinking about hands.

Three Rivers is a petroglyph site near Alamogordo, New Mexico. Nearly half the stone surfaces have some Jornada Style rock art of the Mogollon Culture. Archaeologists estimate these examples are between 600 to1000 years old. Unlike the previous example which was created from paint and stamped on the shelter surface, this hand was pecked into the rock.

Again, though, I'm struck by the power of this symbol. The petroglyph to the right is a geometric design and has it's own beauty; the hand, however, is personal. I guess that's what attracts me. Stop a minute and think of all the purely human actions associated with the hand. We wave greetings, solemnize commitments, comfort, insult, express joys and frustrations and talk. We build every imaginable thing, create art, buildings, cars. We clap, pat and slap with them. We beat drums and play the most amazingly complex music with hands. Hands express the most intimate connection between one human and the next. There are hands which heal and hands which harm. Creation and destruction emanate from our hands.

Hands can represent nearly everything that makes us human. Is it a wonder that hands are such a powerful and attractive symbol of what it means to be human? There's this idea that it's not what's in us, but what comes out of us that makes us what we are. What kind of person do your hands reveal you to be?

Hands

There's something very powerful and immediate about hands.

One of my favorite places to escape is Seminole Canyon State Historical Park in south Texas. The park is west of Del Rio between the Rio Grande and Hwy 90 and it contains a number of Pecos River style examples of rock art. On one tour, because the day was overcast, these hands which are usually difficult to see, stood out. Our guide explained that unlike other art in the area, these hands were not painted. Rather, the artist or artists painted their hands and stamped them on the wall. So, here for all to see were hand prints, several thousand years old. Here is an immediacy not mitigated by brushes and the temptation was to put my hand on one of these hands and to create a physical connection with a soul from the distant past.

So what is so special about hands. As I study my own I see evidence in scars -- there's a long one where I stuck my hand through a piece of glass when I was 17. Oddly, I find it on my right hand while I was sure it was on my left -- memory. There are callouses on my fingers from years of guitar and even one on the pad under my wedding ring. Almost every knuckle bears scars from that old Camaro I had which needed some kind of repair each weekend. It seems like I couldn't do anything on that engine without cutting or bruising myself. In other words, I can read a lot of my personal history by studying these hands of mine.

Also in these hands are memories of a more gentle nature -- touching those I loved whether spouse, children, friends.

It's hard to imagine any part of myself that is so reflective of who I am.

So, when I look at these ancient hands on a shelter wall in Seminole Canyon, I wonder about the individual(s) who created them. What scars are there to see; what message was attempted?

Ambiguity

Sometimes I find I don't know just how to react and it takes time to sort out my overwhelmed-at-a-loss-for-words response.

I passed the Santa Rita Mine on the way to the Gila Cliff Dwellings. Here along the roadside was a pull-out to allow travelers a better opportunity to stop and stare at this gigantic gash in the earth. To get a mind-boggling sense of just how massive this operation is, pull it up on Google Earth.

From the observation point I could see dump trucks moving through the mine. I later discovered they were built specially for mines like this and that they stood three stories tall; they looked like matchbox trucks from where I stood.

Those mountains in the background are talus heaps -- the copper has been extracted and the remainder returned to stand barren. Nearby mountains are covered with trees (as this land once was) and I can't help but wonder what will happen to them and if these will ever recover.

The talus heaps with their various turquoise, tan and gray strata are stunningly beautiful to look at

Here in Houston, the unscrupulous steal air conditioners, small electric motors and wiring to sell the copper to recyclers for a few dollars.

Beauty and horror mix, the mouth hangs open and I can't escape the thought that we are paying too great a price for the copper that is fundamental to so much of our lives. Coming face-to-face with a consequence of how we (I) live creates dis-ease and causes me to wonder just what the effect of other choices I make might be.

Don't Fence Me In

Some aspects of growing up as a military brat on base housing left me unprepared for life in "the real world." For example, all my ever-changing neighbors lived in nearly identical houses. To know your way around your own home was to know your way around the home of your friends; internal differences represented personal choices.

The primary difference between base neighborhoods and civilian neighborhoods, however, was fences. I don't remember any. If I wanted to visit a friend three blocks away, I didn't have to walk down the sidewalk to the head of the street. . . I could just run between the houses. In the city, neighbors three blocks away are three blocks away while on the base those same neighbors would be just three houses away. Another feature I most appreciated was that back yards were not enclosed with tall privacy fences but wide open. Our backyard joined with that of our neighbors on all sides created large open fields. If my brother and I went out back to play catch, others would join us and before too long we'd have some kind of game going. In the winter, we'd run a dozen hoses to the middle of this open back yard and create a community ice rink.

Here in the city, everything is private and mine and anyone in my backyard is either invited through a locked gate or an interloper of some kind. Because of the tall wooden fences protecting every house in my neighborhood, I have no idea who those people on the street behind me are or what they look like. The same barriers we set up to protect ourselves and possessions help foster distrust and grow a sense of dis-ease. We live in neighborhoods without neighbors, in our own alarm-protected castles with a growing sense of distrust and fear.

Masks

Another school year is beginning and soon new students will arrive at my door. Who will they see and who will they pretend to be? I'd like to think I could look back to those days when I was a student myself and be amused by all the fronts I put up, the pretenses to impress and the masks I wore to disguise. I'd like to think I'm past that now and am free to be my unvarnished self. . .

So, where is the line between who we are and who we portray? Do we ever become transparent to the world or even another individual? I'm wondering if we ever become transparent to ourselves. (or perhaps I should say, I'm wondering if I ever become transparent to myself). Have you ever excused something you've done that would outrage you had it been someone else? It's too easy to do. Perhaps one purpose of masks is to hide ourselves from ourselves (me from me).

In theology, one idea of masks is that they represent the different faces of God; different faces presented to different people in different cultures. These masks serve as a kind of bridge to connect individuals with God in a way that decreases tension and increases comfort.

So, why do we wear masks? Here's another idea presented in poem by Paul Laurence Dunbar.

We Wear the Mask

We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes, --
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask.

Reaction

So how do people react when they see you. As a young man, I remember being particularly impressed with the Dylan lyrics from Positively 4th Street, “I wish that for just one time / you could stand inside my shoes / and just for that one moment / I could be you. / Yes, I wish that for just one time / You could stand inside my shoes / You'd know what a drag it is / to see you.”

My thought was, whoa, I never want anyone to say that about me. As I grow older I don't care as much what people think about me in terms of earning their approval, but at the same time, I don't want to become such a pain-in-the-ass that people dread to see me coming. Some kind of balance has to be maintained that allows living with integrity without at the same time alienating others. Some years ago, I was made (for a grade) to memorize these lines by Robert Ingersol:

Happiness is the only good.
The time to be happy is now.
The place to be happy is here.
The way to be happy is to make others so.

It's something to think about. . .

Stand Alone

Sometimes I find it necessary to stand alone and to have time to myself that is largely uninterrupted by anything external.

In the early 80's Sony came up with the Walkman -- countless technology generations later have brought us a variety of mp3 players. There was a period in school when we adults were supposed to become outraged at the sight of a student in the halls or in class surreptitiously listening to music while the important business of school went on around the now oblivious victim. Older adults, especially, went off volcanically at the sight. How dare these young know-nothings ignore us? I was always of two minds. I understand using music or some other noise to create a barrier that permits in just as much as is wanted and no more. Once when I was younger, my family visited my Grandparents in Detroit. Granddad always sat in front of the TV with headphones on. . . only, I complained to my own father, "They aren't plugged into anything!" It was his polite and not-too-subtle way of asking for some peace. A little later, talking in the kitchen with a grandfather-in-law, I told him his wife was calling from the other room. I thought I was being helpful because he didn't have his hearing aid in, but had left it in the TV room in plain sight of Grandma. "I know, I can hear just fine." It turns out that he'd gotten the hearing aid so he could take it out and pretend like he couldn't hear -- creating a little space for himself. My favorite island-carving activity used to be reading; caught up in a good book, it was possible to ignore what went on around me. For many reasons, this no longer works and I find myself seeking quiet in remote places away from friends and acquaintances.

I guess the real question here is why do we need to create this space, virtual or actual, around ourselves. How is it so many of us need this to be human?

Footprints

I'm listening to this guy on NPR and he's saying that he makes money, that's what he does and he likes it and he's good at it and he's using this to justify all the disruption he's causing in other people's lives. And I'm thinking that the last thing I want is to summarize my life and what I've created in dollars. Why not, "I make friends.". . .or, "I build confidence." . . . or, "I create comfort and safety.". . . or, "I grow laughter and happiness."

Okay, so you are on life's journey and you're busy leaving your mark on the world. What happens when you're gone and time erases the footprints? Will there be anything left of you? One story? One spark of warmth in someone's memory? One friend who will miss just talking with you? I'd hate to think that all I left behind was some money and stuff.

Curves

I'm looking through some older images and this one catches my eye. The problem is, I cannot remember what it's a photo of. I like the curves and the shades of gray and I like that in nature there's rarely a straight line. The city is all exact angles and straight lines and in some ways we take that as a guide to live life. Elementary, middle, high school, college, job, marriage, kids, retirement -- and praise be to the ones who can do it without wavering or distractions. The truth though is that I've never learned much about myself following the plan. It's only when I've found myself on one of life's back roads that I've taken the measure of myself. The only people I've met who are completely content are those who have stepped off the straight and narrow and followed one of those "roads not taken." They've given up worrying about what friends and family think -- well, not given up exactly, but quit letting what other's think be their guiding principle. I find myself advising my own young, adult children to find something that makes them happy instead of find a career that I'd be proud to tell my friends about and there-by gain some measure of reflected glory. I mean, ultimately I have to live with myself and the only accounting that's worth while is whether I lived with or without regrets.

Walking

Around 8:00 am, we arrive at the trailhead. To call it a trail is misleading because this is shifting sand (well gypsum) and the wind tends to erase other people's passage. The way is marked by plastic orange and white stakes -- one visible from the next -- unless one has fallen or been buried. The trail is 4.6 miles and the air is cool although, this is July and things will heat up quickly. This part of Whitesands is mostly dune shapes with little vegetation and the imagination is free to run wild as it did when as kids we looked at clouds to see elephants and ships and other magical shapes floating, shifting by. We are far from traffic and people; the only sounds are those made by our feet, our breathing -- today there is no wind. I enjoy this. We are together but quiet; communicating but without the need of talk. Two are one and two.

About 90 minutes into the hike I remember the last time we were on this trail. Ten years previously we took the three kids with us (ages 9, 10, 13). What I remembered was a pleasant, leisurely family walk. I mentioned to daughter that we would be walking the alkali-flats trail again and she said, "What? You're going out on that trail where we got lost, wandered for hours and almost didn't make it back?" "You thought we were lost?" "I didn't just think it, we were lost?" So I broke the silence and asked, "Did our youngest think we were lost when we walked this trail as a family?" "Yeah, he kept asking how long before the rescue copter was sent to save us. When I told him there was no rescue copter, he drank the rest of my water." How could I not have picked up on this tension -- it would have been easy enough to show the younger kids how we knew where we were and that as long as we kept spotting trail markers we were not lost. Later, I did ask the oldest who said he didn't think we were lost. Hot, crazy maybe, but not lost.

About two and a half hours into this trip and it's starting to heat up. So far we've seen not a single other hiker and I'm really enjoying the chance to get quiet. I really think that's why I go. In the city there are too many noises, too many conversations, too many broadcasts, too many (you fill in the blank) and it's hard to hear yourself think. Each step on this journey sheds a distraction and makes the underlying current of thought more discernible. I'm hot but at a kind of peace with myself that I cannot achieve in Houston. We're about an hour from the trail head, following the stakes, keeping a steady pace that will get us safely back to the car. My mind and eye wanders freely.

As Far as the Eye Can See

I live in Houston. Everywhere look I see a building, home, sign. . . something. Unless I look up -- almost straight up -- I can't see for any distance. There is nowhere to go that is free of people in cars, in lines. . . The effect is to feel constantly hemmed in and confined. The moment this came home was one evening along the Rio Grande in south Texas. My son and I stood in the middle of the desert and watched the sun descend and fall below the horizon. He said something to the effect that that was the first time he had a sense of the earth moving. Literally, nothing stood between us and the horizon to obstruct our view. When I'm out in New Mexico, I get the same feeling -- wide open spaces where "as far as the eye can see" isn't some kind of abstraction. I can't tell you how refreshing and freeing this is.